Lately, I have been thinking about my life.Many questions swirl in my head day and night, sometimes keeping me awake for hours on end. I am not sure if it’s mid-life crisis, or it’s the season in my life that I am in,
Thoughts about my personal walk with Christ; am I living for God as best as I can? Am I representing God on earth as He has commanded me? Is my character in line with God’s Words in public but especially in my secret life? Am I pursuing righteousness with unlimited energy and gusto I put in other things? Am I unashamedly in love with God like David and Abraham and Paul and Peter and Ruth and Hannah and Priscilla and Aquilla or am I living like the christians in the church of Laodecia in Revelations 3:14? Two weeks ago, when in the middle of Angaza (this is a parent-kids activitiry that happens in MHC Ruaka where I serve), I was caught off guard when one of the teachers, in a bid to be funny, asked the kids to choose parents to recite a memory verse. And since I am very vocal and always in the kids faces, they shouted “Mama Hope!” My mind went blank and the only memory verse I could remember was John 3:16 which a parent before me had just said. I was so blank I made a feeble, measly attempt and said John 1:1 ” In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.” This incident made me very nervous – that after proclaiming Jesus as my personal Saviour for more than 15 yrs, that’s all I could. It reminded me of Heb 5: 12 where it says that “in fact, though at this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food.” Being a baby is a good thing, but a 15 yr old baby surely? This week, a young lady I know from afar as she used to be in the worship team in church passed away. Not yet 30 yrs old, a wife and a mother of 2 boys, one barely 2 months old. I listened to many people talk about her; her husband, parents, sister, parents in law, friends, colleagues, other church members. What struck me the most about this girl is that the testimony from all these people was consistent – that she wholeheartedly loved God and the people around her. That she lived her short life for Jesus, singing and dancing for him in every opportunity. That she was a joy to be around and she had genuine interest in people. She made me think “how exactly am I living my life for God.” I know that I want to be different; I want to be excellent for God in all that I do, I want to love Him with my all, I want God to do great and wonderful things for Himself through me as Dan 11:32 says ” but the people that do know their God shall be strong, and do exploits.” I want God to use me in such a way that when people see me, they see God.
I have also been thinking about my purpose in this life and especially whether my current job is helping me live that purpose. Don’t get me wrong, I actually love my job, I believe my job makes a big difference to people and I really do identify with the mission for my company. I am just wondering, is this it? is this where God wants me at this time? Am I giving this job my all? I have done this job for more or less 7 yrs. Eventually, If God wills, I want to open a school. At first, I wanted to do a school for 2 to 6 yr old. But of late, I have been wondering why my dream sounds so small. Why can’t I do a big transforming school. One that impacts all the children and people who will be affiliated with it in a God-changing, transformative and impactful way. I want a school whose purpose will not just be academia, but one that nurtures the children first in the ways of the Lord. Plant the right seeds in them so that they have the right foundation. I want to educate children who do not have the means and give their lives a different trajectory. I want people to come to our school premises and experience God. So I am at a point where I am searching for God’s direction on how to get from GSK to this awesome phase in my life.
So what do I do from here? My prayer to God is to help me to search for Him with my all. And that when I encounter Him, I will recognize Him, listen to Him and obey His commands. That just like Elijah in 1 Kings 19:12, I will recognize God’s gentle whisper amidst the noise and distractions of this world. That I will hunger and thirst for God and His word as a deer pants for water in Psalms 42:1. I will be back with an update on this because I KNOW that I will encounter the LORD and He will turn my life around.
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